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Jan 01

Stain

I read this post/cartoon a while back. I’ve been too afraid to write this ever since. I am going to try now.

Trigger warning cause this one’s going to be fucked up, but I don’t know how else to say it.

Ever look at your child and wonder, “Will I rape him/her one day?” I have.

Ever scrutinize all your snuggles for evidence that you are turning into him, the man who stole your childhood, your trust, your future? I have.

It wasn’t so hard with my son. He liked a quick hug and then to do his own thing. It is harder with my daughter. The scrutiny that is. Not desire, because I don’t feel desire for children. She likes her belly/backed rubbed, her under arms tickled, raspberries on her belly. Am I hurting her somehow? She clearly wants to be snuggled, but maybe I’ve done something and don’t realize I am touching all wrong. Is that a question normal people ask? Or maybe it is her age that makes it hard. Seven. One year younger than I was the first time he raped me. One fucking year. Staring at her, I can’t fathom the size I was then. I can’t imagine why, what happened to make me an object. To make me a victim. To make him a predator.

And I wonder, will it happen to me. Did he infect me with his poison? Am I irreparable? Is the question alone proof of my disease? That I can even ask that first question makes me terrified.

Is it only child rape victims that ask this question? What about child rapists? I wonder if they ask the same questions before their first victim. Is it a parallel we will always share and no other? Unless we cross the line of course. Become both.

I thought for many years that being a victim increased my likelihood of being a perpetrator. Believed it. Feared it. Questioned it. The cartoon’s premise gives me hope but hope isn’t enough. Because some victims do grow up irreparable. Some victims become the monsters in their own closets. Maybe not most, but some.

Some. One. Even the tiniest possibility is terrifying.

Please don’t let me be part of the some. Please don’t let me be broken.

7 comments

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  1. 1
    Stephanie Zvan

    I can’t tell you that you won’t abuse your child, and you wouldn’t believe me if I did. What I can tell you is this: The way you talk about children, particularly your children, and yourself is so far removed from the attitudes of abusers toward their victims that you’re one of the last people I would ever worry about.

    Also, that abuser narrative of the uncontrollable urge that came out of nowhere? That’s one more self-serving lie they tell. It goes right up there with not knowing what they did was wrong. And I think that when your fear is quieter, you have enough information to know that.

    If you can write this, you can take the steps to protect your daughter if you feel you’re truly becoming dangerous. You have that strength. For that matter, so does Jarreg.

    1. 1.1
      Mechnificent

      ^ This, all of this.

  2. 2
    Mona Albano

    WilloNyx, Stephanie has it right. Every child predator seems to believe that their victim led them on. Asking yourself, “Am I being too intrusive with this tickle?” is the polar opposite. You have my sympathy and good wishes for you and your children.

    1. 2.1
      WilloNyx

      Thank you and Stephanie both. I wish I could simply know that it won’t be me but that is not how my brain works. I appreciate you both being so kind. These words are hard for me.

  3. 3
    Allison Granted

    Willo,

    If you want, I have lots of hugs and cuddles for you. I know this must not have been easy for you to write.

    I was not molested by an adult as a child. I had a few interactions with my brother that were uncomfortable, but I think they were more two kids figuring things out and then being embarrassed by them. I do, however, worry in this way over my daughter.

    From the time my daughter was tiny she enjoyed being put to sleep by me patting her bottom. And as she grew older I’d playfully pat her there as if I were going to spank her, but never hard, I don’t spank. My daughter and I cuddled and kissed and hugged a lot when she was little. Less so now that she’s older, but there are still days when she’ll come to me to snuggle. My daughter has also been open about being naked around me and vise versa. I’ve tried to limit how much I undress around her now that she’s older. But she’ll often barge in on me anyway and not bat an eyelash.

    I often look at her and wonder, has one of my touches ever been across the line? Has the times she’s squirmed away from me been because I did something that made her feel uncomfortable? I worry often.

    I hardly know you, though I am still touched you reached out to me the year before to see if I was all right since I took a break from twitter. (Timid Atheist handle.) I wish there were a way I could help beyond my words. I truly think that you are a wonderful person and a wonderful mother. I don’t think you will ever harm your daughter. As the others have said, your worry is what separates you from predators.

    1. 3.1
      WilloNyx

      Of course I could never forget who you are. We’ve had way more correspondence than twitter over last couple of years. I’ll always take hugs and my daughter too loves to be patted on the bottom. Probably cause of was a baby we did that to her diapered bottom to help her fall asleep and she remembers it fondly. I kind of freak out in my head every time she wants someone to play spank her. I don’t want her to be upset and she doesn’t understand. She just knows she likes it when I am being loving to her.

  4. 4
    Sally Strange

    I don’t believe you’re the only one who has ever wondered it. I was not abused, and I don’t have children, but I’ve done plenty of baby-sitting and I’ve had those thoughts too.

    I wish you all the best. Thank you for writing this.

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