Things I wish I knew about sex and my body before it happened

I think I made it fairly of clear in the past that I lived with several families growing up. I was too young (what does that even mean) for the sex talk when I was raped by my step father. Too young to talk to about sex but not too young to be raped. I had already caught glimpses of porn flicks on the television though. I remember an orgy train sort of scenario that I had to piece together in my head many years later. Nonetheless, my mom never gave me the talk. My step father gave me the wrong talk. Then I was shipped off to my aunt’s and uncle’s house. They must have thought I knew enough or was too sensitive to talk to after my ordeal. I wasn’t even properly talked to about periods before I had one but that I learned from “Are You There God? It’s Me, Margret” by Judy Blume. I was prepared enough to expect bleeding out of my cunt when it happened, though no one is prepared for it to happen with movers in the house on moving day (embarrassing).

Everything else I learned about sex and my body came from my friends, their parents’ porn, and fiction books. I never had sex education class. I never had a parent sit down beside me and explain what parts go where. I never knew what to expect really. These are some of the things I wish someone had told me. Not the pain, everyone and their brother told me it would hurt at first. No, the little things. Things most people seem to take for granted. Things the movies try and hide because they aren’t pretty enough to show.

I wish someone had told me that my cunt would be inexplicably moist sometimes and dry others.

I wish someone had told me about lube (for those inexplicably dry times).

I wish someone had told me that a guy’s cum will leak out of you for like 24 hours after sex.

I wish someone had told me about the wet spot or why a towel was important (believe me it wasn’t enough to have read “Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy”).

I wish someone had explained the important stuff about anal before I tried it my self.

I wish someone explained masturbation was more than penetration with a brush handle or my fingers before sex.

I wish someone had told me what/where my clit was before sex.

I wish someone had told me about how and why to use a condom.

I wish someone would have explained that hair also grows in your ass crack.

I wish that someone would have told me it that my general cunt smell was normal (and pretty sexy to non assholes).

I wish someone would have explained an orgasm without the terms “explosion,” “bam,” and “OMG” as the primary descriptors (seriously peoples descriptions will make a girl wonder her whole life if what she is feeling is a “real” orgasm).

I wish someone would have told me it was normal for my clit to be super sensitive for a long time post orgasm when I was young and for that to suddenly change in my thirties.

I wish someone explained the term “multiple orgasm” and why that wasn’t achievable at first (see above) (also I thought it meant “at one time” which was very confusing).

I wish someone would have explained that sometimes your cervix can get in the way of a good banging.

I wish someone would have told me that sometime you get horny as fuck while bleeding.

I wish someone would have told me that rimming was pretty nice.

I wish someone would have told me that handcuffs hurt a bunch but soft ropes, wider cuffs, and neck ties are all pleasant ways to be bound.

I wish someone would have told me how to get around the jaw pain of a long blow job or how to give really good head.

I wish someone would have told me what a yeast infection was before I spent that night with a cold washcloth fills with ice cubes between my legs (seriously had no clue what the fuck was happening to my cunt).

I wish someone explained to me it was normal for my clit to be to sensitive to directly touch but that indirect stimulation was very nice.

I wish someone had explained how to have an orgasm.

I wish someone explained that not feeling a g spot was normal (then suddenly feeling it when older was normal too).

I wish someone explained how to use my hands during a blow job and tip vs shaft technique.

I wish someone had told me to pee after sex to avoid a urinary tract infection.

I wish someone would have warned me that just when everything is going good you might get a awkward foot cramp that kills the mood.

I wish someone would have explained that sometimes five minute sex is far better than five hour sex.

I wish someone had told me that water is a terrible lubricant and that piv sex in the water is not as hot as it seems.

I wish someone had told me that sex on the beach is a terrible idea.

I wish someone has explained that nipples on women are greatly varied in how they look and size.

I probably missed some of my questions that I had at one time or another. I hope as a parent I do a better job of explaining sex and their bodies to my children. Maybe this will help you to do the same with your children, nieces, nephews, and friends. Tell me some of the things that you worried most about because no one told you.

My vulva

I like it bald.

I didn’t used to. Heck, for a long time I couldn’t even shave my legs (too sensitive) much less my cunt. The thought of shaving past my bikini line turned my stomach. Shaved vulvae looked like prepubescent children. Who the hell wanted their cunt to look like that was beyond me. I felt liberated that I didn’t’ even trim. Trimming was too much maintenance, and I wasn’t one of those high maintenance girls.

One time I trimmed. It was complicated. Took some work trying to make the hair not look bizarre. But it felt airier and I liked it. Still, it was too much maintenance. I only trimmed every so often and rarely for looks. My cunt was about me after all.

My attitude about being bald changed slowly. I had a daughter, realized that all the bare cunts in porn looked nothing like hers. Gave up on the idea that people into shaved pussies really just wanted to fuck children. Gave up on the idea that the bald girls were tools of the patriarchy. I mean, shaving my legs felt liberating in the sense that I wasn’t able to shave at all for much of my youth and finally being able to choose to have smooth legs was freeing. Who was I to say that having a bald cunt didn’t feel the same way? Liberating.

So I did it. Took a shower. Let the razor travel further and further over my vulva. Pulled the labia skin tight and carefully slid the razor across the tightened skin. Checked every fold. Methodical but pleasurable.The sensation of running my fingers across a smooth vulva. My god. Totally different than running fingers over the soft curly hair of a trimmed or untrimmed pussy. Different than the smooth skin of the legs. Softer.

Oh and the sex. Fuck. I found new pleasures in my labia never felt before. My partner’s wet, warm mouth exploring my lips. Unfuckingbelievable sensations and how much fun it was for Jarreg to explore the uncharted territory of my pussy. There was no going back. This was for me.

The maintenance was totally worth it. Worth the extra time shaving. Worth the occasional razor burn. Worth it because it felt good to me. I liked the airy coolness of a bald cunt. I liked that I felt less uncomfortably wet in the heat of the summer. I liked growing short soft coats of quarter inch hair when I felt like it. I liked having the choice to go back to full on jungle pussy if I wanted to.

I haven’t yet. I haven’t grown the hair past  a week’s time. Not because I am obligated to some sense of cultural norm. Not because I care what anyone thinks because the only people who ever see my cunt are happy no matter how I style it. I haven’t grown the hair back because I don’t want to and the instant I want the hair, I will go back. No regrets. No concern.

So yeah, I like it bald but don’t assume me liking it bald is reflective of some sort of adherence to a cultural norm. At least not for everyone. To some of us, bald just feels good.

Raising a daughter

I look in my daughters eyes and I don’t want to think about it. There is innocence in them. Her worst nightmares are still that someone stole her cookie. She doesn’t know real horror, and I will have to prepare her for it while hoping it never happens.

I want her to find sex pleasurable. It’s a strange thing to think about when she is five. Her future sex life. I don’t want her to have the questions I had though. I don’t want her to wonder if she enjoys things because they are fun or because something broke her. I want it to be simple.

This is not to say, I don’t want it to be simple for my son. I do. I just worry about him differently. Some things are inherently simpler. His enjoyment of sex won’t be judged as harshly as hers. His clothing choice won’t be scrutinized for potential rape blaming. His flirtation won’t be the reason his assaulter goes free. It’s just different.

With my daughter, on the other hand, I have to walk a fine line of sex positivity. I want her to enjoy sex. I want her to feel confident in her choice of style. I want her conversation to be open, relaxed. But I have to prepare her for when sex goes wrong. I not only have to tell her that sometimes sex isn’t always good, but that often people will line up to tell her exactly what she did wrong when sex is bad. I have to look in those not yet corrupted eyes and tell her that her cleavage, her laughter, he sexual history are all on the table when someone rapes her.

But that’s not all.

I am also going to have to look in those eyes and tell her “no” when she wants to wear the high cut skirt to a party. I am going to have to look in those eyes and tell her to keep a close eye on her drinks. I am going to have to look in those eyes and tell her be wary of flirting, be wary of boys you just met who offer to walk you home just like you are wary of walking home alone.

I have to look in her eyes and tell her the the things that may make her fear sex. I have to walk the line between mitigating risk and maintaining the attitude that there is nothing wrong with fucking for pleasure, with dressing slutty, with flirting.

And I am not sure how to walk that line.

I can only hope being honest with her, explaining my fears, not pretending like I know everything will strike the necessary balance. Because that is my plan. When she is old enough, I will tell her about my good experiences and my bad. I will tell her about blaming myself and how I learned it wasn’t my fault.

And I won’t blame her if someone steals that innocence from her eyes. I won’t question her clothing. I won’t shame her for the drinks she had. I won’t for one second let her believe she was asking for it.


This post is continuing my good stuff week of posts. It discusses matters of my personal sex life so if that is TMI for you please don’t read.

The first time I tried anal sex I was stupid. It was my idea but we were stupid nonetheless. I knew nothing about anal, and all we had was some lotion and a dark room. It was before the age of the internet and there was no way, as an adolescent girl, I was going to ask for advice from my parents. So we tried. Not surprisingly, to everyone who has fucked in the ass before, we failed miserably. I mean there had never been so much as a finger in my ass prior to putting a full cock in there. Ungodly pain. There was no way I was going to try that again…exit only.. you know the deal.

Jump some fifteen years later and now if I don’t get fucked in the ass on a regular basis I start to get crabby. What changed? A little bit of eduction on the matter and a very wet inducing article in Playgirl magazine.

I had been thinking about it. Some friends enjoyed it. I remembered the pain though. I asked around a little. Still too nervous. I read the article about her back door man. Fuck, I want it.

So we tried again. This time we knew what to expect. We bought some KY and and waited till I was ready. Finger play to be sure I enjoyed anal stimulation. Constant communication. I was ready.

At least I thought I was ready.

There was still some pain. Not as much as my first attempts. But yeah it hurt. It also felt curious, like I might be able to get past this pain and continue. Of course we stopped again that time, cleaned up and went back to fucking. The seed was there though. I learned that the more relaxed and confident I was with anal the less it hurt. Yeah, lube was important, but so was the certainty that you were doing the right thing. I had to let go of my inhibitions about poop. I had to let go about inhibitions about sex. I had to let go of my inhibitions about pain.

When I let them go, when I relaxed, anal became a whole new world to me, and I loved it. It brought out the dirty talker in me. I wanted to beg him to cum in my ass. I could feel every contraction in his cock when he did. Beg for it I did. Melted when his words matched mine. His hot breath in my ears as he asked how deep I wanted him to fuck me. Anal became my friend.

And it wasn’t without its ups and downs. Sometimes I would think I was ready when I wasn’t, so once again we would have to clean up and return to other forms of fucking. Sometimes we would try a lube that caused too much sensation and made anal unpleasant after a short while. Clean up and resume fucking again.

Anal takes confidence more than anything (besides lube. can never use too much lube). Anal takes the confidence in saying no, the confidence that your partner won’t hold it against you for not being able to continue what you started. Anal takes confidence that your partner will slow down or stop halfway in your ass so you can work past some initial pain even if it takes a couple minutes of just holding still. Anal requires confidence in yourself, that you are making the choices you want to make in a sex relationship.

Anal takes confidence, but it is a confidence that can be learned.

Are harassment policies “sex negative”

Short answer: No, harassment policies are sex neutral at worst and sex positive at best.

I probably need to explain some things before that makes sense.

Sex positivity is, by any sensible definition, not simply “yay, sex is awesome.” It’s far more complicated than that.

Sex positivity is a view that considers sex, and sex exploration, to be healthy and normal aspects of human life and development. As a movement it seeks to end the shame around sex and sex exploration such that no matter how you identify sexually you are not ashamed for that identification.

That last sentence is a tricky one because we recognize that some forms of sexual expression are rightfully illegal and/or immoral. The rights that sex positivity extends to sexual identity aren’t necessarily extended to all forms of sexual expression, especially if that expression might be harmful to another. This idea of sex positivity needs some caveats if we are to make it a workable definition that equally protects people’s rights to sexually express as well as people’s rights to be free from unwanted sexual expression. These are the two caveats I pose for such a definition:

1) minimize harm

2) safe, sane, and consensual

Truthfully the second one is included in the first, but “safe, sane, and consensual” has common usage in the sex positive movement as a caveat toward the initial premises of sex positivity so I include those terms here.

The minimization of harm follows a ton of different paths that I will mostly cover when dealing with the second caveat. I want to talk about minimizing harm when you decide to express yourself sexually. What is important to realize is that our sexual identifications are aspects of our personalities. They are rooted in all the horrible and wonderful things culture has shaped us into being. Due to the inherently personal nature of our sexual selves, sometimes aspects of culture may even be enhanced in our sexualities. Things we don’t really see as our character often come out in our sexual selves.

An example: Rape fantasies. I don’t see my actual character as someone who enjoys being raped but a unique combination of personality, culture and circumstance have shaped me into someone who gets aroused by rape fantasies. It isn’t an easy thing for me to talk about. I have to keep pushing those sex positive buttons to remind myself that sexual id’s are normal and healthy. I have to remind myself that it is ok that I fantasize about rape or even role play about rape so long as I keep myself safe in the process. My rape fantasies do not eliminate harm as the expression of them might be perceived by outsiders as a rape apology. I attempt to minimize it by stringently explaining the root causes of my rape fantasies and that they have absolutely no connection to real desires.

Here is a more difficult example: Pedophilia. I am going to say something pretty fucking hard for a lot of people to read next so I am giving you a trigger warning for these statements. Someone who is sexually attracted to pre-pubescent children is not wrong for experiencing those feelings of attraction. The reason they are not “wrong” is because they have absolutely no control over who or what they are attracted to.  Far too many people have tried with all their might to eliminate those feelings without success for us to judge them on the basis of the feelings alone. Maybe most pedophiles are the product of life circumstances. Maybe most of them were condemned to their attractions by virtue of their genes. Either way they can no more be expected to turn those feelings off than any of us can flip a switch on our own, less “deviant” sexual inclinations. To function in our society we accept that pedophiles should control the expression of their sexuality. Because of the harm that can be realized by expressing that identity we expect them not to act on the objects of their desire. They should control it to the extent the harm is minimized into legality.  Minimizing it into legality may be role playing with a consenting adult proxy. Pedophiles who express their sexual identities cannot completely eliminate the harm they cause. The mere mention of someone who is attracted to children is extremely triggering to most people eliciting a response to defend themselves, their own children, or both. Child rape is a reality and fear and precautions against child rape are normal and necessary.

Another example of minimizing harm: As I mentioned earlier our sexual id’s are rooted in culture. As I am most familiar with American culture, I am going to use examples from my own. In this culture, the pervasive undercurrent is that men carry the primary financial responsibility for heterosexual pairings. Never mind how much the attitude reflects reality currently, the attitude still exists. What that means is a portion of heterosexual women are going to be more attracted to men who are financially stable.  Likewise in my culture we have long standing stereotypes about weight, race, and gender expression. This means a huge portion of people’s sexual id’s will be be centered on those cultural normatives. Some will fetishize the victims of pervasive weightism, racism, and transphobia. Most sexual id’s will simply be a similar or amplified expression of weightism, racism, and transphobia that exist in society already. The fact that these sexual id’s are reflective of the culture doesn’t make them any less real and the fact that they are real doesn’t mean that the expression of those sexual id’s is not harmful. They often are. To maintain sex positivity, when addressing these problematic id’s is to minimize harm. Minimizing harm when our fetishes are the result of long standing stereotypes, means that we don’t assume those stereotypes are reflective of the entire group. It means that we accept that our fetishistic expression is not welcome on all the members of the group we fetishize. It means we seek out those who do enjoy fulfilling our fantasies rather than expect everyone to.  Minimizing harm also means when we are aren’t attracted to thin people we maintain that it is a personal sexual identification and is not reflective of a value judgement against not thin people. We don’t say not thin people are unfuckable. We state our preference and accept that our preference was shaped by culture and circumstance. None of it eliminates harm. They minimize it while maintaining that our sexual selves are our own. The more that minimization of harm is important to you as a person the more steps you can take. You can try and examine those initial attractions to see if they can be more fluidly expressed. In fact if you want to minimize harm you should try and examine your sexual id’s throughout your life. Some parts will change. Some parts cannot change. How will you know which parts are changeable if you don’t try?

Now time to talk about safe, sane, and consensual. The first, safe, is pretty self explanatory.  In my first example, if I went out and attempted to make my rape fantasies real, I risk my safety. Choking fetishes walk a very fine line in safety. Sometimes kink risks being perceived as unsafe. Within reason we should be accepting that outsiders cannot tell what kinks were agreed on previously and accept that strong reactions to noticeably violent kink are not always sex negative but more often misunderstandings. Sane is kind of problematic as a term. Very subjective and the only way I can see that it applies, is when you consider that any behavior we have can become obsessive to the point that we develop a disabling mental illness from that behavior. Still a very subjective term and I think it is mostly included for the euphony in the phrase. I don’t like it personally.  So let’s talk about consensual. Consent ought to be simple, but it really isn’t. With very little room for flexibility, minors can’t consent to sex with an adult and often not even with other minors. The power differential, lack of cognitive development, and repercussions all mean that adult+minor sexual activities are mostly illegal and many minor+minor sexual activities are illegal. Non human animals can not consent to sexual activities either. That leaves adult human animals who can and do consent to sex. And consent with adult humans animals is where it becomes extremely complicated.

An example: Sometimes, I need to be turned on before I am ready for sex. Surprising, I know, but the hustle and bustle of life can get me distracted. Usually at those times Jarreg might hear some initial protests toward sexual advances that subside if I am getting in the mood. When I am either too sick, too annoyed, too distracted, too sad for sex I might start out with the initial half hearted protests but soon enough I will make it clear to Jarreg this is not what I want at the time. Through communication Jarreg has learned that my initial protests are just my way of preparing myself for the times I am not sure I can get in the mood. He has learned what no’s of mine are definitive, and the proper ways to test my receptive waters. Likewise I have learned his similar behaviors when he is unsure about his desires to fuck. It is the fortunate result of  having been partners for a long time. Not every aspect of sexual interaction needs to be as clearly stated, but we still have moments of miscommunication. Miscommunication that is sometimes harmful even if it is very minor harm. Take that in for a second. Realize that  if miscommunication about consent can happen between two people who have been regularly sexually active partners for over a decade, how likely do you think it happens between people just meeting each other? All the fucking time. It happens a lot.

There are no hard and fast rules to consent applicable in all circumstances. But there are some guidelines. Since we can’t always know whether a person saying no really means no it is safer for both you and your partner to assume yes means yes and no means no. I mean, if you haven’t been interacting with them sexually for a long time and haven’t agreed about how you use alternative definitions of terms based on tone of voice and other cues, then it is best to assume the commonly accepted definitions. It minimizes the risk of harm to interpret words as they are defined. Alcohol is often a factor in consent. Drunk people can’t consent by law and that leads to a ton of rapes that neither party may ever consider rape. It also leads to a ton of rapes where only one party considers the sex rape. It is still rape. Rape with no clear line to define it. I mean, if I had a few mixed drinks while an experienced drinker did the same, I am definitely drunk while my drinking partner is not. I have little tolerance for alcohol. Others have a strong tolerance and we can’t expect breathalyzer tests before fucking.  So how do we know when someone is “too drunk for consent?” We don’t actually. We have to rely whether the victim interprets it as rape. That means that yes there may be times that people abuse the honor system of victim defined rape but the burden of proof and a system heavily stacked against rape victims stand in strong opposition to such efforts. This is the option with the greatest potential for minimizing harm, at least until someone comes up with something better.

The above examples are only a few illustrations of the caveats related to sex positivity. On the surface the caveats we propose don’t seem to be promoting sex positivity as they seem to be expressly about “not having sex.” It is important though to realize that sex is an interaction between two people and is inherently invasive (even if not penetrative). Our interactive sexual expression is often our most vulnerable form of interaction and deserves extra precautions based on that vulnerability. Maintaining sex positivity means we can be positive about our desires and our sexual expression as long as it does not violate another person’s personal sexual boundaries. Just as much as sex positivity is the right to say yes to sex for all reasons safe, sane, and consensual, sex positivity is also the right to say no to sex for all those same reasons. Saying no to sex is not sex negative. Saying no is the sex positive expression of individual sexual identities. Not shaming people for asexuality is just as important as not shaming them for promiscuity. We enter into the realm sex negativity when we shame personal sexualities that are not harmful to others. We enter into the realm of sex negativity when we make decisions about the sexual autonomy of others. The reason for the difference is that any given decision not to have sex is never harmful. The decision to have sex sometimes is harmful. I hope that distinction is clear.

Now it is time to tie this back into harassment policies at conventions and specifically how the harassment policies address sexual harassment. Sexual harassment policies are designed to prevent the sexual expressions of attendees that may be harmful to others. They are not designed to prevent the expression of attendees’ sexual identifications altogether.  That means if you find someone at a con you want to fuck and those desires are reciprocated, then this interaction is not harmful and therefore not in violation. That being said, some harassment policies have restrictions on speakers that are greater than those on attendees. While that may prevent mutually desired fucking at the conference, it is important to keep in mind that “not having sex” is never harmful but “having sex” can be harmful. Policies with heavier restrictions on speakers to not have sex on the job are merely an attempt to mitigate the risk of harm with the acceptance that the attempt can be inconvenient to those who wish to have sex at conventions.

Harassment policies do not police sex. They police non consensual sexual expression. They police harmful sexual expression. Even the ones that have heftier restrictions on speakers are merely saying that the power differential between speakers and attendees makes it difficult to ensure that sex is consensual and therefore not harmful to either party. The policies DO NOT in any way imply that sex or sexual expression of a consensual or non-harmful variety is bad.

A lack of statement about non-harmful sexual expression is neutral on the sex positivity scale. That harassment policies make it clear that they offer protection against non-consensual sexual expression makes the harassment policies sex positive. It means that not only the “yay, sex is awesome” part isn’t shamed but also the “sex isn’t always awesome” aspect is addressed to the protection of attendee’s and speakers. To address both aspects of sex positivity clearly without shame makes sexual harassment policies sex positive.

It’s time to stop calling a policy designed to protect a person who says no to sex, sex negative because it isn’t. Sexual harassment policies are negative about harassment, assault, and rape which are things we should all be negative about.

Calling all sluts

Since I have at least a few Canadian readers here, I thought it relevant to post an upcoming event in the London, Ontario region.

On Saturday May 12th, London’s second annual Solidarity SlutWalk will be held at Victoria Park from 1:00 pm to 4:00 pm.

For those of you who have never heard of SlutWalk:

SlutWalk began as a small idea in Toronto in 2011 to fight back against victim-blaming and sex-shaming around sexual violence. The co-founders were galvanized into action and took their name from a Toronto police officer who referred to women and survivors of sexual assault as “sluts” and suggested women ‘dressing like sluts’ were inviting their own victimization.

It shouldn’t be new information to anyone who hasn’t lived under a rock that every time a woman comes forward about rape or sexual assault, they entire history (promiscuity, fashion, gender identity) is on trial along with those they accuse. SlutWalks attempt to end the victim blaming and slut shaming prevalent in sexual crime.

Something I found interesting which speaks to the pervasiveness of slut shaming is that SlutWalks have been around for little longer than a year. What started in Toronto spread to 200 cities world wide rather quickly. We sluts are tired of being blamed.

So, if you are anywhere near London, Ontario come out on May 12th. London’s Solidarity SlutWalk 2012 welcomes sluts of all sorts with specific inclusion of transgender sluts who face some of the highest risks of sexual violence  and are far more likely to be victim blamed into not reporting their own sexual assaults or rapes. I am especially proud that London is making a concerted effort to ensure that trans women feel as welcome as cis women in this important event for all women.

Walk together in solidarity.

Thanks to reader/commenter Anna for bringing this event to my attention.

A response to Taslima Nasreen

In your post Do women really ‘choose’ to be prostitutes, you ask whether people would encourage their daughters to become prostitutes.

I am going to say to that no, I would not ‘encourage’ my daughter, or son for that matter, to pursue prostitution as an occupation. I would, however, support their choice if either of them chose to become prostitutes of their own volition.

Not only that but I will make it known to my children that choosing prostitution as an occupation will always be an option for them without fear of shame from me. I will make sure that they are aware of the risks, aware of the precautions that mitigate those risks, aware of their other options, and aware that I will not once look down upon them because they enjoy sex and wish to make sex their work.

I am going to turn this away from both of my children to specifically address the concept of prostitution with just my daughter now. I do this partly because you, Taslima, have chosen to ignore that a large amount of sex work is done by men for men and women. I do it partly because you, Taslima, have chosen to tell me and the world that “true” feminists don’t support legal, consensual prostitution.

Taslima, you call women and men who support willful prostitution “misogynists or masochists.” This is an ad hominem attack designed to say “Ignore the opinions of those who support willful prostitution because they hate women or enjoy pain. Their opinions must be tarnished by these unsavory positions.”

What I want you to know, what I want my daughter to know is that your brand of feminism is one of the brands that made me ashamed to call myself a feminist for most of my life. It took thirty years of my life to be aware that there are a ton of feminists that seek to maximize choices for women just as there are a ton of feminists that seek to minimize choices for women. You are one of the latter.

I don’t want my daughter to have to wait thirty years bombarded by feminists that tell her that “staying at home to mother means she is a tool of the patriarchy,” feminists that tell her that “wearing short skirts and high heels is oppressive to women everywhere,” or even feminists like yourself who will tell her “if you like to be paid for sex you must have a ‘psychological addiction’ to sex.”

I want my daughter to know that your brand of feminism is oppressive to women because it is proscriptive and insists that women cannot know what it is best for our own bodies. It insists that we women have been duped by society into believing that prostitution is a valid career choice because feminists like yourself have decided that women can’t enjoy sex enough to be paid for it unless they are nymphomaniacs.

I want my daughter to know that she has the option to choose:

Who she wants to fuck and for what reasons she wants to fuck them

as well as

Which feminists she associates with and the reasons she associates with them

You, Taslima, would seek to take those choices away from her, and I won’t let you.

Two days of #thingsrapistssay

My eyes may be burning out of my head. Last night I caught glimpses of Twitter user @NiceGuyBrianG’s defenses of rape via @Mowgli3. I didn’t have time to take a serious look then. So starting at 8 this morning and continuing through now I am still reading one of the most painful conversations I have ever read in my life.

Just one guy…Being so so very wrong.

From what I can tell* he starts off by trolling #ididnotreport for victims to blame. I am not sure if his sole intention is trolling or if he really means the fucking bile that spews from his fingertips but it doesn’t fucking matter. He intentionally goes after people who are coming out of the rape culture closet as victims and proceeds to tell them that it is their fault. That is below the fucking belt even for an average troll. It demonstrates a complete lack of empathy as well as a penchant for dehumanizing others. Lets take a look at some early tweets from this twit:

#ididnotreport because I thought that by consenting to certain things I had ipso facto consented to everything.

Brian Brian@NiceGuyBrianG

u had. saying yes then saying no is games playing. blaming the other party after is wrong.



There are so many incidents that #ididnotreport but I still can’t convince myself they matter/weren’t my fault

@yesphoebe and you are right.

 And this:
(Photo removed to protect victim’s privacy. I have no respect for his. )

#ididnotreport because i didn’t think enough of myself to realize it mattered. we were dating; that meant it was ok, right?

@nmkerr yes, that *is* right. you were right back then, you are wrong now.

Yep, that’s right readers. Full unapologetic victim blaming. This asshole has an ax to grind and doesn’t even try to hide it. It takes some seriously deep-seeded misogyny to troll for victims and attempt to further victimize them. It takes a rapist.

Oops, did I call “nice guy” Brian G a rapist without evidence? How very unskeptical of me. Good news he provides that too:

@iratesheep i am not a rapist. but i have slept with several girls who were dtunk at the time. i live in fear of ‘rape in hindsight’ claims

I hate to tell you, “nice guy” Brian G, yes, you are a rapist. If they were drunk, they could not consent. Well actually, I don’t hate to tell you. I kind of get a thrill out of it, but nonetheless a rapist is what you are.

BTW the proper ending to “I’m not a rapist but” is…I am a rapist and a rape apologist.

See “nice guy” Brian G doesn’t think rape in its currently defined form exists. Hmmm… maybe that makes him a rape denier rather than a rape apologist. Lets look at what he has to say:

@mama_tuna i have lots of empathy for women if they’ve been genuinely wronged. but i also have empathy for men affected by accussations


@mama_tuna saying stop after the guy is already committed is the worst kind of cuntery. i can understand why some guys get carried away

That’s rape denial and rape apology in the same breath. Oh yeah and “nice guy” Brian G, don’t lie and say you have empathy for people who have been genuinely wronged. First you have to believe they have been genuinely wronged. You don’t seem to be capable of seeing the inherent wrongness of violating a person’s bodily autonomy, so how the fuck can you feel empathy for them?

Moving on. More words of rage inducing bile from our resident “nice guy:”

@BasilKiller@iratesheep i have stated an opinion. i have not wished harm on anyone. unlike you

Now this ironic gem is in response to several direct wishes of violence toward him. I stated in another post the importance context can have on the implication of desired harm. I am still not condoning the wishes aside from stating they are somewhat understandable reactions to someone who so obviously wants to subjugate women to rape at the hands of their partners.

The irony though lies in the simple statement “I have not wished harm on anyone.” Just because he doesn’t say “I hope you are raped tonight” or “I hope you die in a brutal car crash: doesn’t mean he isn’t wishing harm. The whole of his position, that women’s bodies be subject to the man’s desires if they are in a  relationship, is the wishing of harm upon every woman in the world. He “wishes” the law to be changed to reflect his skewed morality and that wish is a harmful one, potentially even a deadly one.

Furthermore he has actually caused harm to people reading by further blaming victims who were finally choosing to address their assaults.

One of the people he harmed actually blocked him ( I think before my starting point) and eventually picks up engaging with him:

(Photo removed.)

                  Charise-H xo@blondzrulexx15

@NiceGuyBrianG@mama_tuna i was raped..

@blondzrulexx15@mama_tuna u were in a relationship with a man and he wanted sex. u were not raped by any sensible definition

@NiceGuyBrianG@mama_tuna i said no..he was drunk. Wheres reasonable in that?

That appears to be the before-I-can-read part of their conversation. This appears to be the after:

               Charise-H xo@blondzrulexx15

@NiceGuyBrianG@mama_tuna ha u said i deserve it..empathy my arse

@blondzrulexx15@mama_tuna i said i have empathy for those genuinely mis-treated. you were not. anyway, i thought u blocked me?

I am assuming she blocked him because being blamed for her own rape was harmful to her. I might be wrong.

The irony kicks into overdrive eventually though. After “nice guy” Brian G leaves and goes to work, the tweets keep coming his way. I can’t see the ones he didn’t reply to, but I can imagine them quite well. When the rape apologist extraordinaire comes back, he feels the righteous indignation of victimization.

@RopesToInfinity i’m ‘still going’ because i came on here this morning and abuse was being directed at me. of course i’ll defend myself

Doesn’t he know that he was “asking for it?” Seems like he ought to know after this comment:

@AbiWilks being in a relationship implies a level of consent. or it should.

Or that it hurts less if he just relents?

@blondzrulexx15@ElleHa@AlohaKarina what was the cause of the pain? because u were fighting it? if u had relented, would it have hurt u?

Cognitive dissonance is the same in all forms of apology.

Eventually our “nice guy” Brian G gives up to go to sleep. It is clear he is frustrated and feels like a victim of threats, insults and criticisms:

ok, i’m calling it a night,since i’m basically repeating myself across a dozen different convos. u don;t agree with me, i don’t agree with u

i realise that this will be seen as me running away but to be honest, i don’t really care. feel free to keep the death threats rolling in

Asking for it again Brian?

if you continue to tweet me about this stuff overnight or tomorrow, i probs won’t reply, since apparentky that means i’m ‘attention seeking’
Apparently slut shaming isn’t wrong but “attention shaming” is?

so thank you to all those who remained civil, and goodnight

Yeah, thank you to those people who kept this idiot talking long enough to expose his rampant misogyny.

Now Twitter misogynist Brian G likes to whine over and over again about being aware of consent as it applies to the law and assures us women he has no intentions of breaking it (as if we can believe that claim when he decided to expose how he didn’t mind breaking the law when it came to drunken women). He tried to argue that the law as it stands in regards to consent is immoral (insert concussion-inducing headdesk here) compared to his position.

What is his position? Well he sates it pretty clearly by saying “being in a relationship implies a level of consent. or it should.” but then proceeds to muddle the problem by refusing to fully define that level. Most reasonable people would maintain the “level of consent” implied by relationships is that your partner may proposition you respectfully for any number of safe and legal acts of mutual enjoyment. Brian G, on the other hand would argue that this level of consent at least sometimes supersedes a right to bodily autonomy, especially if the two partners in question are engaged in coitus. If one partner “decides on a whim” that he or she no longer wants to continue, the enthusiastic partner aka rapist is morally obliged to continue. Furthermore “nice guy” Brian G thinks that partners are also morally obligated to just lay there and take unwanted sex even when they didn’t initiate sex, that sex is an assumed part of a relationship contract.

This “nice guy” has one fucked up sense of morals. One would almost bet he was christian if there wasn’t plenty of evidence to suggest there are a lot of these types of misogynists in the atheist community as well. Nonetheless, it is his “moral code” that needs to be argued. He has little to no evidence on his side to support his skewed sense of morality as being greater than that which is reflected in the current rule of law. He resorts to the naturalistic fallacy to suggest that male on female forced subjugation is “the natural order of things” and therefore more moral. He does not offer any actual evidence how it is more a “natural order of things” than egalitarian partnerships are a “natural order of things. ” Nor does he offer any evidence why a natural order of things is more moral than an unnatural order of things. I am willing to bet he drives a car despite that, by his logic, cars would be less moral than walking. The naturalistic fallacy has no bearing on reality. Other than the naturalistic fallacy Brian G has no evidence to support the claim that his way is the best way.

Well a couple times he did say “it just is.” It’d be laughable if it weren’t so fucked up.

So I guess it is my turn to offer why the legal moral code in its current form may be more moral than his. First I have to define morality. In some ways, I am a moral relativist which means I can technically define Brian G’s claim as actually being a set of morals. I can also debunk his “greater morality claim” using the concept of  moral relativity by stating that we no longer live in a culture where the accepted norm is the subjugation of women. Nor do we live in a culture that continues to accept a marriage contract as an obligatory sex contract. Rather in a morally relativistic sense, our laws are of higher moral value than his personal sense of morals because they typically reflect the will of the culture as a whole.

But I am not a moral relativist in that sense, so I won’t stick to merely using that argument. Instead I am also going to suggest a normative morality of sorts. Some sort of morality that is greater than culture, perhaps even greater than humanity (by being represented to some degree by most social creatures.) A moral code that is ultimately based on the autonomy of individuals.

That moral code is the basis of our most crucial laws. Recognizing individual humans as autonomous with fundamental freedoms in respect to that autonomy is the basis for the bill of rights. Yes, a long long time ago, some humans had a different view of humanity than we do today where some humans were considered not quite as human as their white male counterparts. That has changed though, we learned though science and reason, that humans are humans regardless of race, gender or other aspects inherent to their existence as humans. It is not a smooth linear transition. There is no full and complete recognition of humanity by all humans. It is a mythical state, but still easily seen as a one of greater morality.

In a true and complete egalitarian society, bodily autonomy still may not be respected by everyone. People may still commit immoral acts. Ultimate morality does not necessarily follow from a shift toward egalitarianism. What does cease to exist is systemic immorality. Systemic violations of individual autonomy has no basis in egalitarian societies. All violation’s or crimes against humans would exist independent of privilege and culture.

But that is an invisible pink unicorn (or god) of morality. We won’t ever see that utopia. The only aspect of that morality we can individually hope to acquire is our own personal respect of the bodily autonomy of others. That should essentially be our greater goal as humans. To find the greatest balance for ourselves in respecting and sometimes protecting the autonomy of our fellow humans. A very complicated, heavily nuanced golden rule of sorts.

But Brian Granger**, I have to say to get there, you must first recognize us women as fully human. Until then your morality will always be skewed to favor crimes against us. Until then you will continue to be a rape apologist and a rapist.

*Twitter would only let me go back so far into the debate. It starts somewhere around when he is tweeting all the followers of another user and claiming he is a pedophile.

**Yes he was stupid enough to use his real name in the debate.

Things I think about

First and foremost, I am a parent. I know many people like to think that their own person-hood comes before their children’s, but that line of thought for me can be dangerous.  Thinking of my role as a parent being of greater significance, helps remind me that there are greater reasons for me to remain a part of the mortal coil. Sometimes only thinking about myself just isn’t enough.

With that in mind, here is an example of the randomness of my parent brain trying to figure out what is the best path to take with my children.

I have worked hard of the years to become sex positive, and I promise it did take work. I was orally raped by a family member several times as a child, with the certainty that eventually it would become PIV (penis in vagina) rape when, according to the perpetrator, “my body was ready.”  Luckily I moved from that situation before it escalated.

That situation, caused me to blame myself to a certain degree. When I eventually started having consenting sex acts with partners, I did so looking for ways to punish myself.  It took me a long time and meeting the person I am married to today to learn how to enjoy sex for what it is and what it can be, without blaming myself at all.

I don’t want my children to have to work that hard. I want them to feel as natural with sex as they do with hugging (meanwhile recognizing that not everyone does and respecting others boundaries and personal opinions regarding sex, much like hugging). Maybe it is an insurmountable task. Maybe they will have a boatload of hang-ups no matter how I try to help . Maybe my trying to help will just make the problem worse. Who knows? All I know is, as a parent, I have to try and be as open and communicative as possible about how very natural sex is.

Thinking it about it in these terms, makes me very aware that one of my children is approaching puberty. We have talked about sex. Mostly we have just explained what sex is, though not in great detail, as well as explaining masturbation. He isn’t interested yet, but we trudge on. I expect that eventually he will be, and if not, I can absolutely be a-sex positive as well. However, if and when he is, I imagine masturbation will be how it begins and I am perfectly fine with that. We are pretty damn pro-masturbation in our house. What I am not so sure about is masturbatory aids. I really don’t have a problem, per say, with my child using them. I mostly have a problem with him using certain types of them (internet porn for the most part). I don’t think I need to explain the various problems with internet porn out there, so I won’t waste my time trying. I will say that my dilemma lies in the fact that we have really nothing in my house that can be a substitute for pornography. I am a little worried that my child will turn to the internet because there is nothing else. That being said, I am not going to go out and buy a stack of magazines with naked people posed in implausible ways just to assuage my worries. I might however invest in some free underwear catalogs. Adolescent boys often don’t need much more than the suggestion of sexuality as a masturbatory aid. Buying underwear catalogs is a pretty safe compromise for me.

My other dilemma is whether or not I choose to assume the “default” sexuality. Do I just sign up for Victoria’s secret catalogs, or do I actually hunt down some scantily clad male figures as well? Am I being too over the top with sex positivity? Is that even possible? So help me out. What did you do or would you do as a parent?